Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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