i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
