Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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