Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize