i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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