i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
