Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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