I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Randomize
