i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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