My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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