is your mom at the bar?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
