I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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