I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
