fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
