I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
