Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize