My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
