Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
