I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
