I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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