The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
