Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
