Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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