I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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