I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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