I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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