I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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