Swine flu. Run for my life!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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