saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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