I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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