everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
