those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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