This dress was meant to end up on your floor
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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