I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
