you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
