i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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