The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
only you would photoshop your dick
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize