Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize