The maid of honor just puked.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
