he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
