im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
