Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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