my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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