you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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