I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
