First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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