I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
