Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
