Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Randomize