This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize