Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
