I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
