every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
