Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
