Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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