I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
