the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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