Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
